First of all, it happened in Hong Kong, not in Fukuoka. As my column is called “Love stories of Fukuoka”, I still want to keep using it. It’s still a love story tho. Not all real, but not all fake.
It’s just one week duration. The week I encountered with a girl whom I could open myself to chat with, but she had gone. Perhaps in this age, to develop a relationship is way complicated than the past, especially for the long run that there are many factors we cannot control, and we feel helpless, and do not want to take risk to hurt ourselves.
I still want to write it down though. The only thing I left is the memory. Memory would fade away as time goes by. In the time of still having a feeling towards her, it seems better to write down what happened. For a lesson for myself, for facing my own feeling why I liked her.
It was in September. It was autumn but still hot like summer. Small rain occasionally poured down, and I enjoyed carrying my transparent umbrella in rainy days, listening to the sound paddling my umbrella. The human voice from streets is lightly isolated from rain that it seemed I was in another world that keep a little distance from the reality.
I was back from Japan this year, and working in Hong Kong for a living. Sometimes It’s boring to work as a teacher, especially I had been teaching for more than 10 years. I downloaded the tinder apps this year, and wanted to make some friends to kill my time. Of course, I am quite okay by finding a girlfriend on a social apps as well. I did have this experience in Japan though, bit not by Tinder. But I was sick of swiping right endlessly and chatted for the same topic again and again. I wondered if all the Hong Kong girls thought in the same way. I decided, after 25 September, I deleted this online social apps. Planned to work hard to fulfill my promise.(sorry readers, I can’t tell you what promises I made for some people, it is my secret. lol)
It was 24 September. I was in a library editing a video. I got a match from a girl who showed a fish-mouth face that drew me an interest in contacting her. In the conversation, It was particularly smooth and pleasant and I got her Line very soon.
She is called “Miki”.but she is not Japanese. For my regular readers you guys know I were not that interest in Hong Kong girls. But except her. Miki was short, around 150 cm tall, with short hair, and a cute appearance. She is working in a field of accounting. She finished her high school in America, and back to Hong Kong to start her work. She didn’t pursue a degree like ordinary folks, as she thought things learnt from a campus are not practical and she preferred working instead of studying.
I think she looked like Hinako Kitano, a member of Nogizaka46. She always said herself was a perfect girl except having a bad temper. In fact, she didn’t lose her temper in front of me, as I only met her 2 times in my life, within one week, and I couldn’t imagine the second time I met her was the final time in my life.
The first time we met was in a university of Red bricks which was located in Hung Hom. You may wonder why I asked a girl to meet in a university instead of other places.I met her on Tuesday, 26 September. Actually, it suddenly came up an idea to meet- up at night, in the afternoon of Tuesday. We chatted a lot last 2 days by message, and I thought her voice was quite sweet, though she claimed her voice was deep and she said she loved her deep voice.
Before we met I knew a bit about her experience of relationship during chatting in the afternoon on that day. She had got a boyfriend at the age of 19, and had a relationship for around one year. But after breaking up, she didn’t have any relationship again. Her first boyfriend was 30 years old, and he had a wife who had married with him for 4 years. She discovered it after 3 months of relationship and still kept going till one year as she didn’t want to break up. Or she couldn’t imagine this sort of situation could happen on her. Miki was a girl who liked to watch dramas and love stories. I am not saying she imagined herself like a princess. Nope. instead, I think she is a practical, down-to-earth lady who works hard for a better life but, in terms of love affairs, it seems there’s some perception in her mind that she couldn’t control. She didn’t think about break-up, or she did not accept any possibility of break-up. She didn’t think it would happen on her, but, Hence, she was looking for a life-long partner that she could support him always. Based on this criteria, her bar for picking up a boyfriend was extremely high, and she hadn’t had relationship for 6 years since her puppy love.
It was a happy experience in meeting her in the university. I talked about myself more in order to let her know what type of person I was. (for regular readers you know who I am, for new readers just going to the page.” about” for information) We chatted various topics for around one hour, and went to have all day breakfast in a cafe where I loved. I had forgotten what I chatted with her during first dinner time. Sometimes I hate myself why my memory lost so quickly that I couldn’t remember the details, but now just an impression left. From the first time of dinner, I thought she was a girl I wanted. I am not saying I was really in love with her deeply. But she was fitting my personality, and I thought it would be great to have her be with me for better life for both of us.
After dinner with her, I went back to a library for some writing work. I knew I had to be focus on editing, as there were many tasks coming to deadline. I couldn’t help myself texting her. Perhaps I was lonely and wanted love. Perhaps I was bored. Perhaps I was tired and didn’t want to work. Kept texting her was a pleasant experience. When I received a message from her which said” I want to meet you too.” my feeling of happiness came up, and I knew I have a feeling on her.
The second time of date was 2 days later. I didn’t expect we could meet again so fast. We again suddenly came up with an idea to have simple meal that night. The place was in the university of festival walk. That day I was tired as I didn’t sleep well this week, and I was quite nervous for the meet-ups. Many readers know I have been in relationship for many times, and I shall not be nervous for a simple date. But when I think the girl is important to me, I would be a bit nervous and care about what she thinks about me. Although I am going to turn 30, I am not that experienced in handling this, particularly in a state of tiredness. Perhaps I shall not love anybody seriously if I want to have a long-term relationship. Love it calmly instead. But love it in a calm way is very difficult, as that person must have had many painful experience that shapes his character to view “love” reasonably and logically. But I think it is a tragedy for one to have this mindset, as those painful events must be in his mind forever. And in fact, I reckon I am coming close to that level of being able to love calmly after Miki disappeared in my life.
For the second time we met up, we waited at the same place at a station. She was as cute as usual, and wearing dress with flower patterns, but too colorful. In fact, I quite like her way of dressing, reflecting her character, mature, down-to-earth and easy to talk. I was thinking whether she could talk to any men in this way ? or just for me only ? I didn’t know. At that time, I was thinking about how to impress her. But I did something extremely wrong towards her that she lost her feeling on me, instead, she decided to disappear in my life forever.
Miki had haphephobia against the opposite sex. For men who were not her boyfriend touching her, she would lost her feeling suddenly, and felt bad. And she required her boyfriend who must have good manners in public and in private. A bad manner would also result in a loss of feeling from her. I do not know what her standard was as she just explained to me briefly one time, the final time we chatted with her. And of course, I didn’t have time to fulfill her expectation on me, as once I made one mistake, I was sent to a friend zone. During the second time of meet up, I did touch her back and her watch for a detailed look. And I quickly rejected one student’s reporter interview by not accepting his request politely on the way to canteen. Miki said those bad manners from me made her feel bad. And those were the only stuff I knew I went wrong. Right now I am still regretful for what I did. I always ask myself if I didn’t do them, perhaps we could be together.
For the second meet-up, we still had pleasant chat. Hanging around the shopping mall, and walking slowly together. At that time, I did want to stop the time, or wished the time running more slowly . And I didn’t see any sign she was mad at me. Perhaps I could say she somehow was a perfect actress. In this aspect, she was perfect, at least during face-to-face meet-up. But after we said goodbye, I didn’t know it was the end. I could not see her again.
Another day, she became cold to me, and I sensed something going wrong. She didn’t invest her time and energy in the context of message again, instead just quickly replied me to satisfy my questions. I knew she had changed. She never shows her lovely face to me anymore. It did hurt me somehow. At the same time, I knew in the past I did hurt many people in this way.
Our final conversation was on Sunday night, just a week later we started to know each other. I still didn’t know much about why she totally cut me off in her life, but she did tell me what I did wrong to make her feel bad. I am not saying I would be regretful forever for some mistakes I made. I did regret, but not that “regretful forever”. I am just thinking it must be some bad experience resulting her to make such a decision, Our personality is shaped by a series of continuous events. There must be some events Miki suffered in the past. I feel upset that I could not be with her to get through it. She was like Sakara appearing in my life for one week. And I know I will forget her very soon as time goes by. And she insisted on being good in manner for everyone still linger in my mind. And that’s the thing I like her the most.
What I can do? I don’t know. The only thing I can do is to remember her, and wish her all the best. It is kind of bad that her face starts to be blur, and lost in my mind. Memory was a cruel creature that couldn’t last forever, including my feeling toward her, couldn’t last forever.